“SHAME ON ME”
SHAME ON ME
“Ewwww I look so fucking huge in this pic! Yuck!” My response to a “throwback” picture one of my friends posted of me on Instagram. For a brief moment, I was so disgusted and ashamed of how big I used to be, and prayed that she would delete it. How could I have let myself go like that? Why did I think I was beautiful then? Did men REALLY find me attractive at that size? These were all of the questions and thoughts that began to manifest in my mind.
I can vividly recall the evening the photo was captured. I remember staring in the mirror after carefully applying my makeup, touching up my hair which was still “beauty shop fresh” and wearing a cute ass pair of open toed gray suede high heeled booties. Glancing over my reflection and oblivious to the excessive weight that I gained, I thought I was theeeeee shit, lol. I fondly remember attending a party with a ton of friends, exchanging flirtatious vibes and words with several men, and having a great evening. After remembering the genuine fun and confidence I had that evening, the temporary feelings of shame and disgust that I felt looking at my old self, soon became how I felt about myself in that moment. Yeah, disgust with my current, thinner self. How ironic.
How dare I feel anything other than pride when re-reading that chapter of my life? Who the fuck am I to be ashamed of what would be become the reason for one of the most life changing moments of my life? I know that most women would rather see smoothness where there is cellulite, muscle where there is mushiness, but what we physically see is just a fraction of who we truly are. Even at my biggest, I never walked around with my head hanging low. My confidence has always been one of my biggest personal attributes. In those few seconds of looking at my former self, I had attempted to rewrite history and paint a different picture of how I thought I SHOULD have felt about myself at the time. I was trying to replace my memories of pride with shame. When I looked at my reflection during that time, I didn’t look at myself with disgust. I felt just as attractive and valuable then as I do now. I was putting my former self on the clearance rack and not upholding the invisible crown that I’ve always worn, despite my circumstances.
After this personal revelation occurred, I now look at my “before” pics in a whole new light. My weight never effected my kindness, my intelligence, my compassion for others, or my sense of humor. Something that I often hear from friends, colleagues and family is: “I really don’t even remember you being that big, I always just loved YOU.” I will never attempt to diminish who I was or hide from my previous reality. I was fat. Big fucking deal. If I wasn’t who I was then than I would have never became who I am today. Shit, honestly.. There’s a chance that I could become fat again. That will still not effect the core of who I am, my values or my worth. By going thru the battle of obesity (which has been a never ending battle), I wouldn’t have had the testimony that I have been blessed to share, one which has helped several women deal with and conquer their own weight loss demons… And that is NOTHING to be ashamed of.